


The Rose

by Dee (thenameisdenise)



Category: Castle
Genre: F/M, Gen, Letters to Kate Beckett, POV First Person, songs that make sense
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-14
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-03-22 20:09:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3742057
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thenameisdenise/pseuds/Dee
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Unbeknownst to Kate Beckett, famous novelist Richard Castle wrote her letters since the beginning.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was looking for another song for Caskett for my collection of fluffs and I came upon this song, which I have because of Glee (my sister asks me to get each song for each episode for her Zune and her iPhone). The Rose was made famous by Bette Midler, one of the best singer-actresses out there. Written by Amanda McBroom, it was recorded by Bette for the movie The Rose. Lea Michele, as Rachel Berry, sung it in the Season 5 episode Back-Up Plan.
> 
> I wrote this in this format, first person, to see if I can delve into the mind of an in-love Richard Castle. As with my other “songs that make sense” fluffs, the lyrics will be included.
> 
> I hope you enjoy this.

* * *

_Some say love, it is a river_  
_That drowns the tender reed_  
_Some say love, it is a razor_  
_That leaves your soul to bleed_  


* * *

For the one,  


It was a surprise to finally come to meet and know you. I know that we didn’t start on good terms. But it’s fine with me. I know that I can...break you, for lack of a better word, in one way or another.  


It also surprises me that after a few weeks, a few cases, that you opened up to me, slowly. Have you even told what you told me to your buddies? To a former lover? I think you may have but to this extent? Alright, you may still have secrets that you aren’t ready to tell but I don’t know if I’m honoured or...scared.  


I know it would have been good if we went out after that copycat case but I think it’s better that we didn’t. Or else we wouldn’t have great conversations, great theories together. If we took that chance and it didn’t go well, it would have resulted in awkward exchanges. Or me not following you around. Like a puppy dog.  


I wonder, have you ever been in love? Like you feel you’re spinning out of control in love? I’d like to think so. But there’s something in you that tells me it hadn’t happened yet. We’re alike that way, then. I don’t know if I’ve ever been that in love before. Aside from Alexis, of course. It’s a different kind of love.  


Meredith...I may have been and we had Alexis but she hurt me. She hurt Alexis, too. It hurt me more to see my child in pain when we got a divorce. I feel like it cut my soul in two because of our child. But I recovered quickly.  


I drowned with Gina. Or I thought I had. She was more of a rebound than a wife. Divorcing her was easy. I couldn’t even let Alexis get close to her. I think we’re better off as publisher and her client.  


My one, though you don’t know this yet, I want to help you. Your revelation about your mother was a surprise to me. You don’t me that well but I see that you trust me. I am sorry that I am breaking that trust now. I just want to help you, protect you in the process for whatever I will discover in relation to her case. I have your mother’s file and I will see what I can do. I don’t want to see too much pain in your eyes. I don’t want to see you hurt. That’s why I’m betraying you.  


Oh sweet Lord! Is this what being in love feels, is all about? Doing everything for the one you’re falling for? Even if it is against her wishes? You know, I’ve read about it.  


It is.  


Until tomorrow,  


Rick  


PS Yes and no, to answer if you’re a conquest. I will make it a point to capture your heart, make you trust me, make you believe in me. You are different. I will not harm or hurt you and certainly not the definition of conquest you’re thinking about. I promise you, some day, you will see me, who I really am. By then, I hope, and I know, I would have captured your heart.


	2. Chapter 2

_Some say love, it is a hunger_  
_An endless aching need_  


* * *

  
My muse,

Thank you for accepting me back as your partner after going behind your back, however weird it is, however unconventional. I kept wondering, on the way home, why and then it hit me (mind you...I just entered my building! So, by the door...). I don’t think many guys have apologised to you. Not in the sense that you want them to. Am I the first? With that, I feel sorry. Not for you. For them. They don’t deserve you and you’re not worthy of them.

Look, I am not saying that I deserve you. I still have a lot to prove. You still have a lot to see of me. Maybe someday you will see me in a different light. For now, I am content as your partner, joking that we can be together someday, even if you don’t see it. Or you do but you just don’t want to admit it or say it out loud yet because something probably stops you. Nevertheless, I am happy to build theories with you. Or bet on murders with you in my team.

I am also happy to still be working with you after that certain British spy incident. Yes, they offered me a bigger deal to write three more Nikki Heat books – and hopefully more after – than the British spy but I’m happier that I still get to shadow you (annoy you!) because seeing a smile on your face brightens up my day. I am honoured that sometimes, I am the reason behind that smile.  


* * *

I told you that Kyra was the one who got away. When she and I parted ways, it hurt. I told myself that when I do find that someone, that someone who will love me for who I am, who I will call the love of my life, I will never let her get away. I will wait for her, no matter how long. I will make her see that there’s more to me than meets the eye…or what you read on print.

I write this just a few hours after you shot Coonan. I told you I overstepped and yet you still want me there. You had a choice, my muse – him or me. He could have given you a precious name and yet you…

I am at a loss for words. Some writer I am. Why did you choose to save me? I signed a waiver, didn’t I? You chose me over solving your mother’s case and then tell me that you want me there when you solve it. You could’ve solved it if you let Coonan shoot me instead. You...care for me. This changes everything, doesn’t it?

Kate, I don’t like to see you in distress because it breaks my heart. I know you think you’re alone. You’re not. I’m here. You can call me when you need me, when you need someone to talk to. Reach out for me. I will be here.

Always.  


* * *

I read the first part of this letter for the first time and I realised that it looked like my heart is yearning for you. Well, I tried to deny it, tried to tell myself that I am just like a teenager with a crush on the head cheerleader, but no. When you hurt, I hurt. When you’re happy, I’m happy. You may not notice it yet and I don’t want to jinx it at all. So right now, I’m going to tell myself that it is a crush. Just a crush. Nothing more. Although every day, there is hope.

Until tomorrow,

Rick

PS I don’t even know if I have the initiative, the heart, to send you these letters, these little notes. Maybe someday, I’ll let you read them but until then, I’ll let them serve as an outlet for me. Because writing Nikki Heat is not enough.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: I’m sure y’all heard the news by now so Congratulations and Best Wishes to Stana and Kris! ♥

_I say love, it is a flower  
And you its only seed_

* * *

To the extraordinary KB,

What happened a few weeks ago did change things between us. You’re more, well, appreciative of what I do, what we do. We’re also closer now. Thus…

I noticed that you became jealous of Jordan. I mean, Agent Shaw. I let it slip but do not deny it: the reason you gave me was flimsy. Yes, I build theory with you everyday but it’s just once in a lifetime that I can do it with THE Jordan Shaw. That aside, I’m pretty sure that even if you were dead tired, you would’ve kicked me out of your apartment. If nothing changed, you would have never acquiesced to me spending the night with you, letting me sleep on your couch or even raid your fridge without consent for breakfast and never got angry because as you’ve said, I could only protect you with my “rapier wit”.

Speaking of apartments, would you like me to join you in hunting for one? I know for now you’re subletting and I want to help. I still blame myself for what Dunn did. If it wasn’t for the Nikki Heat books, you’d still have your apartment. Look, I know you said that even without Nikki, he would still kill, but I still feel guilty.

* * *

It was a great evening dining with you. It may not have been our ideal date night but it’ll suffice. We both enjoyed the burgers and shakes at Remy’s anyway. Who knew that a simple meal like that can be delightful?

Oh, by the way, you were twirling your hair as we went out the precinct.

* * *

I don’t know what I am feeling right now. Okay, I have inkling that it’s jealousy but I’ll still deny the why. After all, we’ve only known each other for over a year. And if Demming’s your type, I’m fine with it, as long as he doesn’t hurt you. I respect your decision. He does seem like a great guy. He’s more smiley face than the FBI guy.

They say if you love a person and that person doesn’t love you back (well, not yet, at least), you have to let go.

* * *

Things got better! You didn’t even deny it! Little Castle babies! I knew it! I should get Maddie a gift, even if you interrupted a sumptuous dinner with her. Oh, I could have asked her about you more…you know, the ones she can tell so you won’t shoot her. But God bless Maddie for that one. I couldn’t see your face but I know you were scandalised. What would I have given to be in the box at that moment?

* * *

You’re a pretty flower, my muse. I promise that you will see me as me. I am more. Right now, I will take care of that flower, nurture it, make it bloom, for when it grows, you will see how extraordinary it is. How that flower is special, one-of-a-kind, you won’t see it anywhere. It will be remarkable.

This is a promise. I will protect you, care for you, guide you. No matter what happens between us. Trust me.

Kate, this is me letting you know that I’m going with Gina at the Hamptons. Besides, I really need to finish the new Nikki Heat instalment and with Gina there, she can keep me in check. She’d been haranguing me to finish it since, well, a couple of months ago. I do hope, sincerely, that you enjoy the summer with Tom. See you in the fall.

Rick

 

PS I still wish that one day, you will be with me at my house in the Hamptons. I want to see the wonder and amusement on your face as colourful fireworks light up the sky. Yes, they’re illegal but I know you’ll like them.


	4. Chapter 4

_It's the heart afraid of breaking_  
_That never, never learns to dance_

* * *

Kate,

I’m here at the Hamptons, writing and nearly done with this instalment of Nikki. I know Gina is with me but all I think about is what you are doing. Are you enjoying the summer? Is Tom taking good care of you? I hope so. Well, I’ll be back soon. I’ll call you and the team when I’m ready to come back to the precinct again.

* * *

I don’t know what I did to piss off the whole precinct and I hope you enlighten me, I know it is one thing to be seen with the dead body and not calling but I’m really sorry, for whatever it is that made you all mad at me.

Anyway, I’m also sorry about Demming. Because of our lack of communication, I didn’t know. When did this happen? I imagined you were so happy this summer. The thought of you always smiling filled my thoughts when I was writing the new Nikki story.

Okay. Maybe I know why everyone’s pissed at me. You’re their big sister and before I came into the precinct, they’re the ones protecting you. I should have called. I just don’t want to interfere with you and…

If I had only known. If I only told you before.

But I cannot express how happy I am! Thank you for accepting me back again. I know you knew what it was before I even called it. I glimpsed the look on your face when I got the bag out of evidence. You threw the bet. That is a mystery I’m going to find out.

* * *

I know you don’t believe in Penny but it’s too much of a coincidence if she knows about my middle name. I haven’t told anyone about it after I changed it to Edgar so there is no one in public who knows, not even her mother. It is a coincidence if it’s about you and she had to tell you. I’m intrigued. Doubly intrigued.

* * *

I’m sorry about your TO. You told us that that conversation over the phone, when you told him…I saw you. It broke my heart to see you…broken. A year and a half and I’ve never seen you that broken, not even when I told you about what they overlooked on your mother’s case. You really loved him. I saw how defiant you were when you finally arrested him but the hurt on your face killed me. I don’t ever want to do that to you.

The best thing, though, is us finding the treasure and you giving me a hug. It was a really happy moment. I knew that asking you to find that hidden treasure will take your mind off things. You may not forget what happened, not soon, but a little adventure is enough to take that sadness away.

* * *

 Josh? Seriously?! Doctor Motorcycle Boy? I know I shouldn’t be judgmental but, Kate, he’s not your type. And by now, I have an inkling who your ideal boyfriend is. He’s not the one you’re looking for, which I can guess why you broke up with Demming. Why him?

* * *

I don’t know how many times I’ll say thanks to you but again, Thank You. I’m really grateful that you chose to ignore the Page Six article. You must have read it but I’m glad you didn’t push or didn’t ask about it. Those flowers, I have a feeling that you saw me talking to Gina over the phone. This is what makes you remarkable and extraordinary, Kate. These simple, little things.

* * *

I cannot imagine how hard it must have been for you to setup the board. Alone. After you asked me that you want me there and I agreed. After choosing me over an important piece of the puzzle in the jigsaw of your mother’s case. But showing me is enough that you still trust me and that you still want me to be there and you didn’t even tell Josh about it. He must know by now that you’re investigating but you’re not sharing that part of you with him.

Kate, it’s time to come clean. It’s not about the books anymore. I really just can’t see you…in pain, in sorrow, broken.

I built my own murder board. One of you, for your mother’s case, so I can help you. And I will, in every possible way, everyone be damned. We need to solve this so you won’t hurt anymore. So that I’ll be calm myself.

Rick


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am not writing for the ficathon but I will try to post chapters of this (or if I have a new story, etc) every Monday. I don’t know if I have thanked the people who have read this so let me take this opportunity to say THANK YOU! GO RAIBH MAITH AGAT! SALAMAT! My cup runneth over! It’s been quite a long time since I wrote a proper fic because I’m working on our website and my mind’s full of technical commands that my muse wandered and boarded the TARDIS. Lol The muse came back when I listened so many times to the song where this story is based and told me that it’s a Caskett song and I need to write, to let go. :)

_It's the dream afraid of waking  
That never, never takes the chance_

* * *

 Dear Kate,

It’s been several days but my hand still hurts from beating up Lockwood. I kept thinking about that night. It was the best dumbest idea I had. The memory of it all makes me giddy and smile so widely like I slept with a hanger on my face, as Monica of _FRIENDS_ said. Kate, it’s not just a kiss, is it? For both of us. We both felt something. I know you did even if you’re multi-tasking. I know you can’t admit it, yet.

I can wait and I will always wait.

And if I were him, I will love you with all of my heart and yet still give you the space you need. We’ll dive into it together and still give you time alone. I’m not sure if you will keep a foot out the door still but I want you to know that I will love you no matter what. I don’t care how many times I will write this but I will take care of you. I will never let you get hurt.

My brain might still be frozen. Again, I’ll be a good partner and let you. Just knowing that you are alive, that we’re all alive, is enough. The thought of knowing and seeing you walking, talking, breathing is enough to make me happy.

I’m going to let this feeling rest again but if you need to talk or if you just need someone to be there, I will be there.

* * *

What I said before, when you let me back as your partner again after my summer at the Hamptons, why you threw our bet, I never solved it. I realised now that when I look at you, I cannot figure you out. I always try, always look to see if I can crack something on that wall, but I can’t. That’s when I told myself that you’re a mystery I am never going to solve. But I can spend a lifetime delving into it.

What I told you was true, Kate. If you just learn to open your eyes and look. Look not see. Understand.

Lockwood is a dangerous man. You don’t need to chase him. Not at the moment. I promised myself that we will solve your mother’s murder but not this way. You don’t need to let them take your life away from you. You don’t need to let them take you away from the people you love.

Your father came to see me at the loft and asked me to stop you and I told you. He loves you, Kate, and he doesn’t want to lose you too. He already lost your mother and I don’t think he can take it if he loses his little girl, his only child, to the same people he lost the love of his life, too. If Alexis is you and Jim is me, I know I can’t.

Montgomery told me pretty much the same thing, that I can stop you.

They were wrong.

* * *

Captain Montgomery called me. He told me everything. I should be in the hangar now but I need to let this go first.

I love you, Kate. I love you. I want you to be alright, to be whole when Montgomery tells us to run. I love you. And I always will.


	6. Chapter 6

_It's the one who won't be taken  
Who cannot seem to give_

* * *

Two months without communication. Two months of worrying. You said you’re going to call. You didn’t. But I‘m still investigating, Kate. No matter what happens. I don’t care if you don’t remember. I’ll continue.

I know I did it before and I know now how you felt then but still. This situation is different. We are different.

* * *

I’m still mad at you for not calling but I forgive you. Just like you forgave me before and I’m grateful that you asked Gates to take me back as your partner. Well, Weldon did the most work but still.

It takes time, Kate, but you’ll pull through. I know that. You’re a fighter and I believe in you. We’ll get through this. We’ll solve her case, just not today. I promise you that we’ll make it.

I had a little heart-to-heart with Alexis. She told me before coming back that she was scared because it could have been me who was shot, that I need to grow up. She’s right. I could have been the one. That would have kept you…in some way, whole, physically. But at that moment, I wasn’t thinking of anything except to keep you safe. I wasn’t thinking of anything or anyone except you. So when I talked to Alexis, I told her that I indeed need to grow up but I need to also protect you, that I’m doing this for you. I think she knows what I feel for you because she asked me if you make me happy. I told her the truth. And she understands.

You know by now, that my frustration of not taking the bullet is reflected on Rook. I still feel that I should have done more so you didn’t have to get shot.

I know we’re kind of back to being us but you’re still healing. Don’t take it too hard on yourself. Take it slow. I’m here. I’ll always be here.

* * *

Don’t think I didn’t notice but you got jealous of Serena Kaye. I’m used to you getting aggressive but keeping me out of the box and telling me that I’ve been compromised? What even was that? I only did what you told me to do! Okay? I kissed her but that seemed to be the only way to go. It’s checkmate!

That was worse than what you did with my date with Maddie.

* * *

I’m concerned, Kate. You’re spiralling down again and I feel helpless. I know these events make you remember your shooting…the sniper. I know it is PTSD and I cannot help. My jokes won’t help right now, or my crazy theories, I know that. It’s that serious. So, I asked Javier. He has experience in this. He can help.

Again, Kate…slow down.

* * *

It’s the right thing to do. If a person needs space, needs time to think things over, then give him that. It’s respect for that person, for what he’s going through. Things will just get complicated if you step in and try to help, if he doesn’t want help, and most likely will result in a falling out. I don’t want that to happen between us. Not again.

I guess, subconsciously, that what I did was just like what you did for me almost a year ago, when I broke up with Gina. You respected my privacy on that matter…even if you knew. And I know I’ve fallen in love with you more.

* * *

Was that a hint, my dear Detective? Next time we’re hitched? I’m going to wait for that time and when that time comes, I’ll use your handcuffs and cuff you to my bed, with or without a tiger. I probably will purchase a pair of fluffy handcuffs myself, just for you. What colour do you like? Wait, let me guess. Purple. I’ll also purchase other things, including some costumes for you to try on. Oh the things I’m thinking right now. Poor, poor tiger!

If you ever read this (or I let you), I know you’re kinky. You know about ahem, leather. But don’t worry, Kate. If and when we’ll be together, you can let me take control – I will take care of you. I will never hurt you. I will never cause you pain. I will be gentle. For once, let me lead so that you will be able to be calm and relaxed after a long day. That’s a promise.

Until then,

Rick


	7. Chapter 7

_And the soul afraid of dying  
That never, never learns to live_

* * *

My dearest Detective,

There’s something going on. I can’t place it or figure it out yet. “Third time’s the charm.” I know it’s a really old saying but there was something in the way you said it. Maybe it’s a joke. Or maybe you just said it because it was me. Or was it hope, perhaps? You really are a mystery I’ll never be able to solve.

Speaking of which, that was a really crazy case. Page Six may say I’m a playboy but it’s mostly publicity. Our victim is over-the-top. I can’t handle that many women.

Which makes me remember…

The first time I suggested that we are married, you wanted a divorce right away. Now, when you made an example out of us, it seemed that you wanted it to last forever.

As I’ve said. Mystery.

Anyway, thank you for being my “plus one”. I enjoyed dancing with you during the reception. You know, there is something in that song that I like it a lot. Perhaps it’s the melody or perhaps it’s the lyrics. Maybe it is telling our story so far. Anyway, it was extra special tonight because we danced to it. Maybe some other day, we’ll dance to it again.

* * *

Thank you for giving me another chance. I know I’m biased when it comes to friends, like my high school friend (you were right on that one but thank you, too, for letting me investigate and find out for myself). You know, I would do the same for you. But working on this case made me remember that Montgomery had a friend who is helping me to keep you safe. In time, I will let you know about him. Just not today because if I do, you will dive into your mother’s case again and they will come after you again.

I cannot let that happen.

* * *

I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you that Clara Strike was based on a real person. In my defence, you didn’t ask!

Anyway, I thought I was going to lose you again when I found you nearly unconscious inside your submerged car. I panicked for a second that I almost didn’t manage to shoot the windows and your seatbelt loose. At that moment, I thought that I need to save you even if it meant that I wouldn’t. I don’t want to die yet but if it meant saving the one I love, I would have.

I didn’t tell you but when Sophia went to the loft the night she gave me Blakely’s account numbers, she saw my murder board. I told her I’m doing this because you are different. I think she knew what you mean to me.

Because I would never have done it is it was her. Or any other, for that matter, barring my mother and Alexis.

Just you.

Speaking of Alexis, you really didn’t have to shout to the whole morgue that Sophia and I slept together. The good thing is we both got embarrassed and you look cute. So, you’re cute when you’re both angry and embarrassed. Since Alexis knows that I have feelings for you, the look on her face when I glanced at her tells me that she thought you’re jealous. And you were.

What I told you about Clara – starting out as Sophia, ending up being like you – is true. Whilst we dated for a year, she was nothing like you. She could be sweet but when it means business, it’s business. She couldn’t take a little joke when times got rough and when you suggested a little thing that could have been helpful, she shut it down. Meanwhile, you accept my crazy theories. I know what I told you about the dress and the rose being wrong in the Tisdale case helped you or else you wouldn’t have kept investigating. Then I see you smile.

* * *

I heard it all, Kate. Why did you have to lie to me? I can take that you are healing but lying to me? If you aren’t ready, you could have said so and I will wait. I will always wait because for you, I can.

I don’t know what to do now. I’ve been hurt by you before, when I saw you with Tom or with Josh but this is a low blow. Yes, I am keeping something from you, too, but it’s for your sake because I can’t watch you…

You lied because you can’t handle it or because you don’t feel the same. Or maybe because you thought I can’t handle what you’re going through. Did you really think I’m that…shallow that I can’t handle something, or someone, complicated?

You know what? If you think that, then I’m going to show you that. I don’t want complicated right now. I need to go away for a while. I’m flying to Vegas for the weekend to clear my mind. Gamble, sight-see, hook up with someone uncomplicated. I know it will help.

I really thought we were building something.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Apologies for not putting this up last week. Super busy week at work. Plus Sunday last week, I got to finally, finally see and hear Idina Menzel live! I’ve been waiting since I saw RENT the Movie and it’s been a dream come true! It didn’t matter that I wasn’t near the stage or something. It’s enough to finally see and hear her sing live. ♥
> 
> Also, I’ve been watching Once Upon A Time with the sister and the mother (yeah, I turned my mum into a Oncer, too. My sister became one last season after wanting to see the Frozen arc. I’ve been one since the first season. ;)). Intrigued on how Emma will be The Dark One – and how JMo will do it - in the coming season and what Hook will do to save his happy ending, and true love, because COME ON! You’ll be turning dear Emma into The Dark One after four seasons of being The Saviour! NO WAY!

_When the night has been too lonely  
And the road has been too long_

* * *

It’s really hard not writing to you. It’s really hard trying to forget you. I’m here in Las Vegas, met a fun stewardess on the way, and yet I’m still thinking about you, still thinking about what you’ve done, I should be mad and I really am. It’s just…

Mother is right. Love is not a switch because if it is, it’s just stuck at “on”.

I am keeping something from you and since there’s a one percent chance I will let you read this… Just to get this – you – off my mind even for the weekend.

Montgomery sent a file to a friend, a file containing details on who killed your mother. It never reached him until after you were shot. That friend called me and told me that in order to keep you safe, I need to tell you to stop investigating. I don’t know how he knew me or how you may listen to me if I stop you. Maybe Montgomery told him. That’s the only possible way.

There. I finally let it out. I’ll go enjoy the weekend and enjoy Las Vegas.

* * *

I passed by Colin on my way out. You called him. I saw the hurt in your eyes when I told you that complicated is not what I needed right now. It felt good because that’s what I’m feeling right now but it also made me nauseous. Jacinda kept asking me what was wrong at dinner. I cannot tell her that the thing, the someone I’m trying to escape from is the same someone that I’ve been in love with for the past four years. The same someone who hurt me and who I’m hurting right now and yet I cannot fathom that I’m hurting her.

* * *

 

Oh, Kate! How can I still be mad at you if you still have my back? Even if I keep hurting you? Mind that it still hurts and I’m still deciding my future with you…our future solving crimes, being your partner. But even if you have a ginormous workload on that trial, you still managed to help me. Well, with the help of sneaky Kevin. Still…

I am now getting confused.

* * *

I thought that after what happened, even after you saved me from Slaughter, I can take it. I can’t. I still remember everything you said to that boy and you still kept it from me, still not telling me the truth. I thought that this would be my last case.

That was what I thought.

I know you’ve been in therapy before but I thought you were done with you sessions after the incident. You got back a week in advance and you said that you passed your psych eval. What are you going to therapy for, Kate? What are you scared of?

I’d like to be there when that barrier comes down, Kate. I really do. Hopefully, by then, you already threw out the window all your doubts and worries. Whatever happens, I will always promise that I will be there for you and we will dive in together.

The road is long but we will traverse it together. Together, you and I, and we will reach the end of it. When we do, it’s tomorrow and we will still be standing, hand in hand, side by side. Always.

* * *

This is really it, Kate. I will not be bothering you again. I’ve said my piece and you’re right. It’s your life. You can do whatever you want with it. After Alexis’ graduation, I won’t be returning to the precinct anymore. I’ve done and collected enough for a couple or so more Nikki Heat and I will just end it organically.

That’s it for me. I can’t bear it any longer.


	9. Chapter 9

_And you think that love is only  
For the lucky, the lucky and the strong_

* * *

A dream. Perhaps. Most likely. I don’t know where to start. Kate, Kate, Kate.

I keep glancing at your sleeping form as I write this. You’re beautiful, ethereal. I keep telling myself that I must be dreaming, that you’re not here, that any minute now you’ll vanish and I’m alone. Delirious. Delusional.

I can’t believe you’re beside me. I know you still fell broken but I don’t care. I’m here and I will take care of you and make you whole.

I can’t believe that you will give up your job – it’s like everything you are – to be with me. I know I will but you’re…you’re Beckett, the woman married to her job. I know you find me annoying and nosy… I thought that all the jokes, the jests, the innuendos are just that. That you’re just teasing me and you really don’t feel the same way I do.

Okay, that might have been an overstatement because I always observed something in those gorgeous peepers of yours when you look at me, especially the past year. I should have known that you’ve heard because all the things you said to me, they were all different from the other times over the three years we’ve known each other.

I forgive you for lying to me. Although I think we’ve jumped past that.

I’m rambling now because I can’t believe how lucky I am.

You’re mine now, Kate. You’re mine to hold, to touch, to take care of, to love. And I’m yours.

I’ll ask tomorrow if it’s all a dream. If that makes any sense at all.

So it wasn’t a dream. It really wasn’t. I just cannot believe it!

* * *

I am also glad that you decided to go back and ask to be reinstated. Whilst I am very happy that you would want to give up everything to be with me – and I love the idea that it was for me and I like to keep thinking that way – it’s just isn’t you. I can already imagine you pacing, thinking what you’re going to do next. Just thinking about it gives me a headache.

Kate, I don’t want you to worry too much about Bracken. I’m happy that you finally found her killer but Kate, think things through. He’s a very powerful man and he has more resources than I so that his hands would remain clean. I promised before that I will help you with everything and I will not break that promise. We will get this through. We will get justice for your mother.

Meanwhile, I can think of some things we can do whilst you’re passing time until you go back to work. Oh! I can think of clean, dirty, very dirty, ehem, activities we can do. What happened last night was just a prologue to our book. We will write the chapters as we go along and I promise that we will get past Round Three. I will make your body tremble so hard. Just thinking of these…activities makes me want to…shout to the whole wide world I LOVE YOU!

Our book will never have an epilogue, will it?

* * *

Thank you, again, for the faith you have in me. If it was any other, they would have probably left me with the knowledge that I killed somebody. They wouldn’t even have verified each and every story because they wouldn’t have looked for it. They would have just seen the evidence and not look past it.

Thank you for standing by me. You really are extraordinary, really remarkable. I am proud to call you my partner. I love you.

* * *

Kate, you know you can talk to me, without prejudice and condescension, right? You don’t have to be scared and hide beneath those walls of yours. Tell me anything. I want you to be as open as possible.

There are still layers of walls. We will tear it apart, brick by brick.

That said thank you and I appreciate it that you told me about your different Christmas. I didn’t know. I watch you now sleeping peacefully. Our first Christmas together. Possibly the first time you’ve celebrated this day after everything that happened. I can imagine you doing paperwork or waiting for a call in the precinct or pacing the break room and pretend that you’re happy but you’re actually missing celebrating this holiday with the people you love the most. But we will change that. You should know that you’re part of my family now. Come to think of it, you’ve been part of my family long before we became…Caskett (I love this moniker!). Perhaps we already did change traditions.

Merry Christmas, my heart! Until tomorrow.

Rick.

 

PS These letters, these notes, they may cease or they may not now that we’re together. Mainly because we talk at night before we fall asleep, whether on the phone or not. Sometimes even falling asleep on each other and we leave our phones on. I want to though because there are mysteries of you that need to written. That’s how precious you are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am really, really sorry for the delay putting this chapter up. I want to be at least two chapters in advance in my stories but we’re really busy at work (I feel what an ad person probably feels – staring into space wondering if it’s the proper colour or if it’s the right graphic used) that I didn’t manage to complete Chapter 12.
> 
> Thanks again to the people who favourited, reviewed, followed, gave suggestions through private messaging in, etc this story.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From here on, I will be posting just the letters Rick made to Kate, without the song verses. It is the general feel of the song, so to speak, until the last chapter.

My heart,

Whatever Meredith told you, it’s all in the past. You told me she said that and you should believe her. We’re both good and working it for Alexis. She might not get the Mother of the Year award but she tries her best because she loves our daughter.

Kate, yes, I may still have secrets that I haven’t told you, really personal and perhaps dark secrets but you know me more than Meredith or Gina or Alexis and my mother. I opened up to you the way you did with me, a few cases in in our very unconventional partnership. I trust you the way you trust me and I never felt opening up to others the way I did with you. And I told you with utmost sincerity and not as a bribe for you to do the same.

You told me that Meredith said I could have written several books with what I know about her and she couldn’t even write a pamphlet about me. You’re different. You can write a book about me.

* * *

It’s an honourable thing you did with Bracken. I wouldn’t have done it if I were you and I told him that. If what happened to you happened to me and I find out who he is the same way you did, I wouldn’t – couldn’t – forgive him and I will hold a grudge. If his life was in danger, I wouldn’t have saved him. I may or may not have closure but I will think that he deserved it. He took away a precious thing in my life and I couldn’t turn back time to spend more moments with her. They all would be gone.

If I were you. But I’m not. I’m glad I’m not. You continue to amaze me, Kate. With your beauty, with your intelligence, with your heart.

* * *

Kate,

I’m sorry for everything that I’m going to do. I hope that you will not come home to the loft tonight. I told Mother that I’m with you at the precinct looking for more clues as to where Alexis is. I told you the opposite.

I am flying to Paris tonight. I am going to look for my daughter. It is reckless, I know, but please, Kate. Please understand. I know you would. This is Alexis we’re talking about. I cannot lose her. If I do, it’s losing a third of my life. If this happens to either Mother or you, I will do the same. I love you and I will protect all who I love with all my heart.

Trust me, Kate. When I come home, I will be with Alexis. I promise you – I will come home.

* * *

You wouldn’t believe what happened in Paris. I met my dad. He’s CIA. I’ll keep it a secret for now so I wouldn’t compromise him or his mission, if he has any. But he saved me and Alexis.

This brought me back to what Sophia said last year, about my father playing a part in my research with her. I guess that part, my father being part of their organisation, was true. That he helped me get a little bit of intel for that Derrick Storm novel.

After all these years, I finally found him. When the time comes, I promise that I will tell you all about him.


End file.
